Dragons
by esdiferente
Summary: Season 4 Episode 8 from Naomi’s POV, Naomily with guest appearances.Rating – M with adult themes and bad language from the start.
1. Chapter 1

**Dragons**

**Disclaimer –** I own nothing but a large amount of debt and a severe lack of talent

**Premise – **Season 4 Episode 8 from Naomi's POV, Naomily with guest appearances.

**Rating –** M

**Warnings –** Hey it's set in the Skins universe so adult themes and bad language from the start. If you're offended by these then don't read.

**Authors Introduction–** OK this is a silly little fic that I found inside of me when I read the amazing recap of Episode 8 by Heather Hogan on , if you haven't read then you really should, Especially Episode 8's. Thanks to Heather for the recaps and for inspiring this in me. I too know all about dragons.

**Chapter One - Insomnia**

I can't sleep; it's not that I'm not tired, I am. I'm sick and tired and that's the problem, sick and tired of this whole fucking situation, sick and tired of being treated like shit, sick and tired of being used as a verbal fucking punch bag.

Sick and tired of being me!

I look bleary eyed at the screen of my phone; the digits burn back the blue light hurting my eyes, 3:05AM. Fuck, FUCK, **FUCK!**

I know I deserve everything that's been happening over the last three months, the pain, the anger, the misery. It's all my fault, I know it. I'm a fuck up, a "fucking disaster" as Kieran had put it to me as he followed me naked from my mother's house those few months ago…yeah him and me both.

Perhaps that's why I liked him, perhaps that's why I found it easy to talk to him. Perhaps that's just it; I can't talk to him, or her.

My mother and her latest beau are off travelling the world; probably fucking on every beach in India as she'd wanted to before I came along. Naomi Campbell, mum and dad's little fucking mistake, a bundle of fucking joy destined to fuck up their plans, ruin their lives and everyone else's.

So now she'd met someone and I was old enough to look after myself she went on her dream holiday leaving me here alone. I can't blame them, I wanted them to be happy, as happy as I thought I was going to be; before that fucking open day and the rollercoaster ride that followed.

Tears begin to fall from my eyes and are quickly wiped away; the barriers I'd spent so much time watching crumble around me are slowly building themselves back. I don't cry, I'm Naomi _fucking_ Campbell and I **don't** cry.

Except, of course, I do…I do now.

I cry all the fucking time, when I'm sober anyway, when the realisation of my situation isn't clouded in a haze of drugs and alcohol, and sometimes even then.

Christ do I feel alone, so fucking alone.

***

I look down at the phone in my hand for what feels like the thousandth time, it's now 4:15AM. It feels like I've been lying here for a lot longer, I guess that's what happens when you get locked in your thoughts, and I've got a lot to think about.

I read in an article once of a theory that people have dragons inside them. Sharp clawed fire breathing dragons that live within them. Dragons who tear up and consume their souls. I think that whoever wrote that was a fucking genius, they summed up in a paragraph everything I had known but not understood. In that brief moment of clarity, that eureka moment if you will, I realised that I have dragons too. Perhaps more dragons eating away at me than most other people, perhaps not, I don't really know, but I do know I've got a lot of these dragons fighting within me.

My life has been filled with ups and downs, highs and lows. Some of those lows have been really fucking low and that's where the dragons were born, in a pit of despair, darkness and loneliness.

That's been the story of my life, me Naomi Campbell versus the rest of the fucking world, always alone, always lonely, always scared.

***

4:55AM, still no sign of sleep. I might as well keep hunting down my dragons, you know? Check to see how they are; make sure they're OK and sleeping well. Unlike me.

Do you know the interesting thing about not being able to sleep? It's that you have the silence of the night to lose yourself in your thoughts. You can indulge yourself in every self-destructive mental urge you have, bathe in your misery; in fact it's practically compulsory. So here I am, five o'clock in the morning thinking about these dragons and trying to understand how I got to where I am, how I fucked everything up…and more importantly why.

So here we go, in for a penny in for a pound, let's say hello to '_Fear of Being Alone'_ the dragon that gnaws at my soul telling that I'm alone, I deserve to be alone and that it will always be thus.

He moved in after I found out about my father, the "shitty little prick" as my mother happily calls him. I'd not known life to be any different but one day mum sat me down and explained what had happened. I think I was five, five or six anyway. I remember the day clearly, it was a warm spring morning and we were in a park somewhere sitting on the grass and watching the families play. Mum had been looking at me as I watched the groups of people playing, the kids shrieking in pleasure as they played together; mum and dad looking on happily. I didn't feel the need to join in with them. I never had, not that I wouldn't if I'd been asked, I was a playful, friendly kid back then, once upon a time.

"Naomi, I want to tell you something" she had said apropos of nothing.

Obviously I didn't know what was coming if I'd have known I'd probably have run off and played with the others as fast as I could. But I sat there and listened as she told me that I had a father.

Yes, of course I'd always known I did have one. But I'd always pictured him as the absent hero, battling injustice or some such shit in a far flung corner of the world. That's why I'd never met him, why he'd never come home, he was busy being a hero. But one day I knew he'd come home, having defeated his enemies and righted all wrongs; and he would pick me up and introduce himself, tell me how much he missed me and that he loved me and wouldn't be leaving again.

That was my dream.

Well let's swiftly burst that juvenile fucking bubble! What I now I heard was that he'd rejected me before I was born and run off. Just fucking run off and left me alone.

Welcome to reality.

To say I was devastated would be an understatement. Can you imagine that, as a five year old, being told that your dad didn't want you, didn't want to know you? Well at that point my world fell apart. I know I still had my mum, but to be honest we'd never been that close. I'd spent as much time with her friends and the other assorted hangers on that congregated around that I practically was raised by a community. To some people that might be nice, lots of people around you. But all I wanted was my mothers love and I never seemed to get it, not one hundred percent of the time anyway, there was always some cause to protest or someone else to help that was more important than me.

I know it's selfish to think like that but hey, I was a kid, Life is supposed to be simple when you're young; there's you and your mum and that's the way it should be. Just not for me. So with this new level of parental rejection heaped onto my shoulders I felt even more alone, my mum didn't want me and now my dream dad didn't either. I hit the lowest point of my life to date, my first dragon was born and a wall was built. Time to push people away, if you don't let anyone in, then you can't ever be left alone. You can't miss people you don't know so to keep my new pet dragon quiet I never ever allowed anyone close.

I put a sign up outside my wall. Welcome to Castle Campbell, now **FUCK OFF**!

***

5:30AM and I'm still fucking awake, _fucks sake get a grip_. I can't get out of this morbid thought pattern and though it's killing me; I can't stop thinking about things from my past.

Looking back I don't think my mum ever really realised what had happened to me, never realised the impact of her words that day. But the result was that I became more insular and withdrawn as time went on; my vow not to let people in was resolute. I stopped playing with the other kids and I spent more time with my mum, with her protesting, her causes and her activism. She was the one person that I wanted to be close to, the one person I would allow through my wall. She was my mum and I loved her.

Ironically as I grew older I developed an interest in her activities, but that was definitely a side effect. I was still lonely and all I wanted to know. No, needed to know, was that she loved me. If I had to be involved in everything she did to get that love then that's what I would do.

Mum hadn't changed much though, she still left me to go on retreats, or marches or protests; once she left me on a fucking commune for a month with total strangers whilst she fucked off to who knows where, doing who knows what. I never fucking knew. I just knew she'd gone and I was alone again. My first wall had crumbled and needed rebuilding and it really hurt.

From that pain was born my second dragon, the fear of committing to someone only to have it thrown in your face. The fear of loving someone; knowing that it always, **always** hurts you when they leave. The knowledge that it doesn't matter what you do, or how hard you work at a relationship, they will _always_ leave and rip your heart out every time they go.

One more dragon, one more wall.

So here I am, enter the dragon part two. '_Fear of Commitment'_ meet _'Fear of Being Alone,'_ no fighting and play nicely, make yourselves at home.

In the darkness of our bedroom a lone tear falls again from my eye to be lost in my pillow. We'd got closer my mum and I over the years, but the pain of those early rejections were still carved into my heart and she was gone again, just when I needed her most.

***

I look at my phone again, 6:30AM, well at least Cook isn't shagging that Effy look-alike in the next room waking me up like he did yesterday. Fuck knows how that whore Mandy slept through two rounds of that. He woke me during round one and I was downstairs. _"Grab my balls" … _fucking hell.

At least it's quiet, well, quiet apart from the breathing of the girl lying next to me. I've sat in bed and just listened to her breathe for hours in the time we spent together since the Love Ball. I've took great pleasure in just listening, the soft breaths, the light snores and the quiet mutterings that she makes when she's dreaming. I've spent endless hours lying here just loving those sounds. Loving what they meant, that the girl of my dreams, literally in my case, was laying next to me, loving me.

Tonight though, those sounds did nothing for me. No, that wasn't true; tonight they churned my stomach and made me sick to the core.

Emily and Mandy.

The very thought caused my blood to boil. I'm no innocent I know; I screwed Sofia behind Emily's back, a stupid meaningless one night stand. A disaster born of a new dragon I discovered in myself as I talked to her on that day. _'Fear of Being Alone_' and '_Fear of Commitment'_ had brought me one of their friends, '_Fear of Failure,'_ and this dragon was a ferocious one.

I had plans you see, I had big goals and big dreams, always have done. I was going to change the world one cause at a time. Somewhere along the way I had truly become my mother's daughter, a political activist with a desire to make a difference. I was at the chav filled shithole that was Roundview College with one aim in my mind, get my A-Levels and get into a good University so I could get my degree in Political Science and get out into the world and start changing it for the better. That was my plan.

Then in came Emily, crashing into my world like a flaming comet, glowing red and beautiful and trashing my carefully crafted plan. Shattering all of my dreams with thoughts of travelling during a gap year - Mexico and Goa and possibly South America. They sounded lovely, but they weren't part of the plan, they weren't part of **my** plan.

But I can't resist her, never really have been able to, certainly not since _that_ night, the night she looked into my eyes and we walked out of that ball hand in hand. I can't resist those deep brown eyes and the passion and enthusiasm that she brought to our conversations about our future. OUR future, me and her. Deep inside my dragon was gnawing away at me but I smiled and laughed and talked about it, never knowing how to explain that I had a dream and that whilst I dearly wanted her to be a part of that dream I wasn't at all sure about giving up University and going travelling for a year.

I wasn't sure I could take the dream I'd held onto for so many years, the one I could control, and put it on hold for the dream of a life with Emily, the one I couldn't control at all and that would probably break me.

So I smiled and lied and sneaked away one day to visit Goldsmiths for an open day. A small part of me hoped that I'd hate it, hate it so much that I'd turn my back on my plan and head off into that glowing sunset with Emily. The sad truth is I loved it, loved the Uni, loved the courses and loved the people. It was like a dream come true. Then Sofia tapped me on the shoulder and the nightmare began.

I thought about that day, endlessly playing it back in my head. I've tried justifying it to myself, I've tried recriminating myself for it; nothing really works, nothing can take away the pain. I know why I did it and I know no-one will ever understand, because no-one knows my dragons. They can't understand what it's like to have them gnawing and tearing at you, telling you that you're failing your dreams, that you'll always be a failure and that nothing will ever change. To listen to them scream at you that you'll end up alone and lonely with all your dreams shattered behind you, worthless and broken. No-one knows how hard it is to fight those dragons, and the things you'll do to make sure they don't win.

***

It's getting lighter outside and I'm stirred from my thoughts by Emily crying out in her sleep and turning over. She's facing away from me and muttering in her sleep. I roll onto my side and prop myself up on my elbow and just look at her.

God, I love looking at her. I always have, for far longer that she knows.

She really is beautiful when she sleeps, her red hair falls onto the pillow like a waterfall of colour; her skin is pale and smooth, like the finest Italian marble and even under the covers I can see the perfect shape of her shoulders and spine. They're possibly my favourite parts of her, the parts I love to wake up to and just have to kiss, starting our mornings by trailing butterfly kisses down her back until she wakes and rolls over to hug me.

Except this time my memories are invaded by thoughts of others, how many people had kissed that alabaster skin, how many others had watched her sleep and kissed her awake?

I knew about JJ, of course. Frankly that moment in the café when Katie had told me about Emily and JJ was when I gained my fourth dragon, the green eyed one, the vicious bitch called _'Jealousy.'_ She brought along my fifth dragon, _'Fear of Rejection'_, _'Jealousy's'_ twin and the best friend of _'Fear of Being Alone'._

Five dragons and five high walls, Castle Campbell was now complete, impregnable. The question was now what?

In that moment, as Katie smirked her evil little grin and left the café, I truly understood how much it hurt to lose someone you loved. Whether you admitted it or not. My dragons were screaming at me and it took a cocktail of one part rebellion and two parts bravery to quieten them down.

At the Love Ball the cocktail was started with a splash of my typical rebellious nature, ignoring Katie's implied threats and turning up to face them all. No-one fucks with the Ice-Queen!

But then we added a dash of Emily's bravery. Her bravery in standing up to her twin, in standing up for herself and for us and declaring her love for me in front of everyone in that room. But hardest of all was me raising my hand and calling her over so we could leave, hand in hand, as a couple. The final shot of bravery in the mix, all poured from me and I don't know if she'll ever know how much of me it took. To put my fears, my doubts and my dragons behind me and to be seen, seen with her. I think I'm still wearing the scars of that little dragon fight.

I'd come to terms with what she had done with JJ. In the days afterwards as we tentatively re-built trust and began our relationship proper, I'd listened and forgiven. I never forgot, but I understood, at least I think I understood.

I forgave her, because that's what you do when you love someone; I forgave her despite what my dragons were shouting at my soul. I forgave and never mentioned it again. It would have been oh, so simply to throw JJ back at her when she began her campaign of hatred against me. It would have been exactly the sort of thing that the old Naomi Campbell would have done in a heartbeat. At first, I had run it through my head ready and waiting for the next accusation where I could throw it back at her,

"_Yeah I fucked Sophia, just like YOU fucked JJ."_

But I never did it, couldn't do it, because I'd changed. Emily had changed me, I had forgiven and I meant it. Even thinking about doing it made me ashamed and miserable. Dragging it out to score points wasn't what I did anymore, not to her anyway, not to my Emily.

To be honest, clutching at the thin straw that was Emily and JJ was the one thing that had kept me going over the months of hell. That if I'd been able to forgive Emily for her thing with JJ, surely she'd be able to find it in her heart eventually to forgive me.

Then yesterday afternoon happened and my world was rocked on its foundations. "Naomi" the whore had said getting my full attention before running her hand over my breast. "If you don't want her then I do," then she kissed me.

She. Fucking. Kissed. Me!

And then I snapped.

I'm not really a violent person, I'm snappy and bitchy and I make a lot of threats, but I've never really held much truck with hitting people as a solution to a problem. This time however was different. Not only did I finally admit to myself that she wasn't straight but she'd touched me, violated me and then she'd told me she'd been seeing Emily and she wanted her.

She deserved everything she got, and a hell of a lot more, she's fucking lucky I didn't do a Cook. I couldn't believe it, in **our** house, in **our** fucking bed. Me and Sophia just happened, an embarrassing one night stand. This was fucking planned, this was a fucking romance.

I can't tell you exactly what I felt after Mandy fled our house, pain, betrayal, regret, embarrassment, rage, anger? Oh yeah, I definitely had anger. Not just at Emily though, but fuck was I angry at her. Most of all though my anger was directed at me. I knew what was happening, I knew something was going on, had done for weeks, since JJ's _faux pas_ and Emily's quick exit with him. Politics fucking homework for fucks sake, she really doesn't think much of me. But I'd buried it then, hoping, praying I was wrong, denying the truth. Doing what I do best and running from my dragons.

I knew from Emily's answers to my questions this morning that something wasn't quite right. I know I've been pissed and stoned a lot recently, but I'm not fucking stupid. My dragons were screaming and roaring inside me and I tried to push them down. I tried once again to lock them away, lock them up in a cage made of alcohol and drugs; the same way I'd been doing for weeks. But now they were loose, rampaging through my head and every fear, every doubt and every question I'd ever had was flooding through my brain. Overloading me to the point where I wanted to scream.

So that's how I came to be here, stone cold sober, lying wide awake having had no sleep staring at the back of my snoring girlfriend.

I just lay there and thought about it all and eventually I made my decision. I accepted the inevitable, let my dragons run free and succumbed to their roars. I lay there biting my lip to hold back the tears and continued to stare at the sleeping Emily. This time my whole world had shifted, this time I stared at the back of my ex-girlfriend. It was time to save myself. I couldn't bear to lose Emily, but I could shove her away, tell her to leave me, save myself any more pain.

You see it's not rejection if you act first.

***

I don't know what time it is, and I don't really care. I'm just lying here now waiting for Emily to wake up. It's light outside and the faint sunlight is tracing patterns on the bedroom walls. Emily was sober when she went to bed, it shouldn't be long now; she always wakes when the room gets bright, always has. Almost on cue I hear the change in her breathing that tells me she's nearly awake, she fidgets gently on the bed, her right leg twitching involuntarily.

Damn that's cute.

I hastily shelve up the wall that had just crumbled, retreat into the safety of Castle Campbell. I pushed a thought of her and Mandy in this bed into the forefront of my mind and pushed away any softening that I felt. This was going to be hard enough without the weakening of my resolve.

Suddenly awake she rolls over to face me, our eyes meeting in that moment. I think that this is the first time in three months that she's actually looked at me when we've been in bed together, the first time she's faced me.

"I love you"

Well fuck me if that wasn't the last thing I expected to hear. _"I love you,"_ fucking hell what do I do now? The walls I'd hastily re-erected shook under the words and they damn near failed, but then Mandy's face came flashing past my eyes and my resolve strengthened.

"Don't lie."

I said it as simply as I could, no anger, no hatred, _"Don't lie"_ a simple plain fact. She just looked at me, her silence saying a thousand words. I got up from the bed and pulled on a t-shirt then stood and headed for the door. It wasn't enough, my dragons needed more. I paused by the door.

"My mum's coming home next week, maybe you should go".

With that parting shot I ran. Not literally, to all intents and purposes I calmly walked downstairs and put the stereo on. But we probably both knew I was running from what I'd said. I certainly did.

My dragons were screaming in triumph, my heart was breaking all over again; it was time to rebuild their cage, time to dissolve once again in booze and drugs.

_**A/N -** OK so this is my first fiction here and indeed in this genre so be nice, and if you can't be nice please be fair. I'm only doing this for fun and to replay those that have written things here that kept me going through the dark times of S4. I have the rest of the story written if anyone is interested in seeing this through._


	2. Chapter 2

**Dragons**

**Disclaimer –** I own nothing but a large amount of debt and a severe lack of talent

**Premise – **Season 4 Episode 8 from Naomi's POV, Naomily with guest appearances.

**Rating –** M

**Warnings –** Hey it's set in the Skins universe so adult themes and bad language from the start. If you're offended by these then don't read.

**Authors Note – **OK so I forget the spam filters would remove a web address so if you want to read the article that was an inspiration for this do a search for AfterEllen_dot_com and look for the Skins recaps. Though I guess most of you would have read it anyway. So 1 chapter, 13 hours, 196 views and 2 sets of kind words. Thanks guys. This one's for _jmb-me_ for providing me with my first review, (and it was so nice too) and for _Stunty_ for facing up to those dragons. Enjoy.

**Chapter 2 – Cleaning Time**

Casually I dropped my phone to the sofa, it slipped through my fingers like everything else in my life.

"It's all over."

I found myself saying it out loud, even though the house was empty; silent like the grave. Mentally I kicked myself, fucking idiot talking to myself, letting my mind make me speak without actually thinking. I tried to tell myself I had meant the end of everything, the end of college, of the gang, of all of us. Realistically I knew what I had meant, the end of me and Emily.

After the raid I'd heard her upstairs, I heard drawers opening and closing; straining through the noise of the gang leaving I could hear the unmistakable sound of packing. Desperately I wanted to run upstairs, to tell her I was sorry, that I didn't want her to leave, to drag her into my arms and tell her how much I still loved her. But I didn't, I couldn't. I have dragons you see, and they were too hard to fight anymore.

I watched impassively as Emily and Katie walked downstairs, bags in hand. Katie fixed me with her usual disapproving stare. I simply stared back and lit a cigarette hoping that I looked at ease, unconcerned. Praying that I looked like the Naomi of old; aloof, cold, emotionless.

More than anything I was hoping that the trembling of my hands didn't show too much, didn't give me away; didn't tell the twins the truth. Frankly I was fucking terrified that she was leaving, but she had to go; she just had to. I had to survive this.

Staring at me Emily put her bags down on the floor, walked into the room and stood in front of me her eyes guarded.

"I've left a few things by the bed, not enough room in the bags. I'll ring you before I come round to get them."

I looked at her and then at her bags, "You going to be OK with them on the scooter?" I asked as casually as I could trying to keep the tremor from my voice, to hold back the tears.

"I'll be fine, Katie's getting mum to bring the car round for the rest."

I nodded, unable to speak. Taking a deep draw on my cigarette I looked back at her. She smiled sadly at me.

"Well," she said simply, "goodbye Naomi."

I steeled my heart and looked her in the eyes, "Yeah, bye Emily, see you around perhaps."

To my dismay she reached forward and hugged me, it was a sad hug and it hurt more than any words she could have said. As she released me Emily gripped my hand tightly and then, with a swift, chaste kiss on the cheek she was gone and out of my life. I looked down at my hand and saw the front door key pressed into my palm. A symbolic gesture, a victory trophy. Though I'm not sure for whom. With a deep clunk I heard the front door close shut firmly on our relationship and the tears began to fall.

***

Later, after I had cried myself dry. I looked around at the trashed remains of our home, my home. The police had gone, not even offering an apology for the ransacking of my place. I didn't understand why they had to strip the cushions from chairs and empty drawers onto the floor when they were supposed to be searching for Cook, but I no longer cared, it was all over, it was time to move on.

I needed something to do, something to take my mind off things. So I did the one thing that would have surprised everyone I knew, I began to clean the house. My mum was coming home soon and I didn't want her to see me, or this place, like this.

As the hours passed the house began to look like it had once done, before the raid, before the parties, before my ever increasing need to lock away my dragons in booze and drugs. It was clean and it was tidy. The living room looked like somewhere you could actually sit, relax and enjoy yourself. I'd even found one of those carpet cleaning sprays in a kitchen cupboard and cleaned the stains from the carpets until it ran out.

I vacuumed, I dusted, I scrubbed and polished. I tried to remove every last trace of the last few months from every room. By the time I finished I was exhausted and the bulk of the day was done, evening was approaching and I was starting to feel hungry. I went into the now immaculate kitchen and made a quick sandwich scolding myself as I let crumbs drop onto my spotless floor before sweeping them away, maintaining the sterility. As I sat and ate the sandwich I realised the truth of what I was doing. I knew I was procrastinating, knew this wasn't finished yet. I still had one room left to clean, the one that I had been dreading going in. Taking a deep breath and cursing my stupidity I walked up the stairs and opened our bedroom door.

***

An hour and a half later it was done, the room was tidy the old bedding removed and thrown into the bin, fresh clean bedding applied. Fuck the cost; I needed to get rid of it all, the bedding that was a reminder of Emily and her giant whore had to go forever. No amount of washing could ever remove the stain of that memory; if I'd thought about it I'd have burned them in the garden but the bin would have to do. As long as they were out of my sight, out of my life, just like her. Old make-up and other assorted toiletries had been binned and every surface polished until it was gleaming. There was only one thing left to do and I really didn't want to do it.

I approached the pile of clothes with some trepidation, in my cleaning frenzy I had thrown them all onto the sofa bed to get them out of the way; but I needed to sort them, they weren't my things they were Emily's and she wanted them back. Carefully I folded each item and placed them on the floor next to her side of the bed. It was really strange, every item had some kind of meaning for me, the jeans she had worn on our last proper night out in town, a favourite t-shirt that she'd been really upset that she'd dripped HP Sauce down. The memory flashed into my mind, vivid and powerful.

I don't have black and white memories of Emily, I never have. I have full colour IMAX 3D memories, with surround sound and smell-o-vision. I could recall everything about that day, she'd been eating a sausage sandwich in a café after a mornings shopping. Every moment was etched clearly into my mind, how she'd looked, the taste and texture of the ham sandwich I was eating, the smell of overcooked bacon that lingered in the greasy room. I could remember each and every one of the curses she'd uttered as she realised that the sticky brown liquid had fallen onto the white cloth and I could feel how hard it was for me not to laugh at her pouting.

I remembered leaning over to her, remembered the taste of her as I kissed her on the forehead and how my voice sounded when I found myself telling her it would be OK, we'd go back to mine and wash it quickly so it didn't stain. I remembered vividly everything that had happened after I'd pulled off her T-Shirt in the kitchen and put it into the washing machine, when I'd turned to see her with a hungry look in her eyes and how I felt as she grabbed my hand and we ran to my room.

I remember everything!

My hands drifted softly over a white patterned top that she habitually slept in. Every item a memory of Emily and Naomi, neatly folded, stacked and put away next to the bed, ready for collection.

"Fuck!"

***

I stood in the shower enjoying the burn of the hot water as it washes over me; I scrubbed off the dirt and sweat of the afternoon's exertions, washed my hair and then just stood under the cascade until the water went cold. I stayed there for a minute or two, just feeling. Allowing myself the luxury of just feeling the water hitting my skin. Accepting the pain as the ice cold droplets impacted on every sensitive part of my bare flesh. I was trying desperately to make sense of everything that was going on in my head. I hated myself for what I'd just done, but I knew I had to do it. I had to push her away, lose the commitment, lose the relationship no matter how rocky it was. The only way I could survive this was to end it myself. I couldn't survive the alternative, the inevitable, soul-wrenching moment when Emily would tell me she was leaving and it was all over. I couldn't deal with that, the rejection, the emptiness and the heart breaking loneliness. I had to do it. I had to silence my dragons.

Didn't I?

My last quantum of energy spent I gave up and lowered myself to sit in the bottom of the bath, my hands wrapped around my knees, my tears falling freely. I could almost see myself sitting their crying pathetically, as if I was another person that had walked into the room. It felt like I was no longer myself, no longer Naomi. It almost felt good and I lost myself in my memories.

I dragged myself away from my thoughts as I realised I was shivering violently. I'd totally lost track of how long I'd been sat there. Quickly I jumped up and switched off the ice cold water and reached for the towel that hung over the bathroom radiator wrapping it around my body, huddling into the warmth. It was my favourite towel, a huge pink bath sheet of Egyptian cotton and I basked in its luxury. I remembered the time that Emily passed me the towel when she was chasing me out of the shower before one of our nights out with the gang. I'd been shocked at how thick and soft it was, most unlike my other towels.

"A present," she'd said smiling and stepped past me into the shower pulling the curtain behind her. I'd wrapped myself in it before the curtain twitched and a face appeared around it, eyes gleaming and button nose twitching.

"Fuck knows you need a decent one, your towels feel like they were issued in a prison," she paused and winked, "about a hundred years ago."

Sticking her tongue out at me and raising a finger at my offended look she disappeared behind the curtain and disappeared into a cloud of steam and water. I just smiled, paused until I heard her sigh under the hot water then I leaned over and turned on the hot tap in the sink.

"You bitch Naoms!" she screamed as the temperature of the water changed for the worse as the hot water diverted itself from the shower, "That's not funny." But we both knew it was, we'd both done it before. It was a good memory, a memory of a happier time and I wrapped myself up in its warmth as I snuggled into the towel.

Somewhere inside of me my dragons awoke snarling.

***

Half an hour later and I'm warm and dry, I've dried and straightened my hair and made myself feel a bit better by putting on just a hint of make-up. I'd smiled as I looked at my reflection in the mirror. I was starting to look like the old me. The me that existed before MDMA laced brownies, before chocolate flavoured kisses, before bouncy castles, vodka hangovers and cold lakes. The Naomi that existed before those three words "I'll miss you" had smashed open my gates and let Emily into my life and brought me a tantalisingly brief moment of happiness.

I lay naked on the duvet and stared at the neat pile of clothes I'd left on her side of the bed. My thoughts hit me like a blow, her side, Emily's side.

What had I done?

I'd thrown away the only thing that had ever really mattered to me, after three months of effort I'd thrown it all away in a fit of anger, jealousy and self-pity. Thrown it away like dirty bedding.

What kind of a fucking coward am I?

I picked up the white top that lay on the top of the pile, it was washed and laundered yet it still smelt of her, still smelt of Emily. That indefinable aroma that made me feel safe, loved and happy. I'd fallen asleep to that smell feeling like I was wrapped in a huge bubble of love, I'd woken up to that smell and known instantly that everything was all right, for the first time in my life everything was all right.

I couldn't live without that smell, I was convinced of it. Unconsciously I pulled the vest to my chest and curled around it, wishing with everything in my heart it was her. As I pulled it tighter to my chest I knew I had to do something. Inside me my dragons bawled and raged and with a scream escaped the cage I'd briefly locked them in.

There they were, the proud defenders of Castle _fucking_ Campbell, all my fears personified. Five fucking dragons, my proud protectors; roaring and screaming at the thought that I'd do anything to get Emily back in my life. Doing everything they could to fuck it up again. Well I'd had enough, it was time to shout "FUCK IT!" from the rooftops and fight them, try to remove their power, time to grow up.

Pulling Emily's vest closer to my skin, holding onto her smell, her feel, her memory I wrapped myself in the armour of the love we once shared and went forth to do battle.

It was harder than I've ever imagined, harder than anything I'd ever done before. But as I battled the traumas of my youth, both real and imagined, I found myself with a strange ally. A new dragon stood next to me, a new fear but one that was on my side.

Naomi _'wannabe dragon-slayer'_ Campbell meet _'Fear of Cowardice'_ your new best friend.

I examined my new dragon, she was battered and scarred, her scales were dented and burnt, she'd obviously been fighting with me for a while, but I'd never recognised her for what she was. I'd never seen her trying to keep me and Emily together; all this time I'd thought I was fighting alone. I saw a deep gash over her heart and knew instinctively that that was where she'd been defeated, smashed to pieces on the day of my affair. The day when I'd given in to my cowardice and listened to the rest of those dragons telling me to go ahead, knowing full well that eventually I'd get found out, knowing that it would destroy me and Emily.

I strode forward and dealt with the first dragon, _'Jealousy'_, I was starting simply because jealousy was pure cowardice wasn't it? You're only jealous when you're not confident in your relationship and you're scared. Scared that you're not good enough, that she'll leave you or that someone else, someone better, will simply come along and take her away. As I rationalised my fears about Mandy and Emily I realised that no matter what had happened she always came home to me, she told me she loved me and I'd accused her of lying. _'Jealousy' _had won that day. With my new dragon at my side I smashed through my petty jealousy and came out the other side feeling stronger than ever.

The next dragon I faced was my fear of failure; fuck me it wasn't getting any easier. My dreams and my goals; why couldn't I have them with Emily? For months I'd seen everything as separate, it was University _or_ travelling, The plan _or_ Emily. With my new courage grasped to my chest I examined each and every thought I'd had about my plan and I was lost. Why couldn't I have seen that they weren't exclusive? I could go travelling, lots of people did and I still could go to Uni. I really wanted to go travelling with Emily and I really wanted to go to University, but I really, truly could do both. I knew that I wanted to be with Emily before University separated us, to make our life together, to strengthen us before that inevitable hurdle of a distance relationship.

Even if Emily and I were apart it wouldn't have to affect my dreams. She'd be happy for me, she'd be happy that I was doing something that I wanted to do, needed to do. That's what she was like…why couldn't I have seen this before? Why did I hide everything for fear of what she would say, what she would do? Why couldn't I have found the courage to just fucking talk to her about it all? We could have made it work!

Smashing past my fear of failure I knew exactly why I hadn't done it. Here they were, the big guns, the terrible trio _'Fear of Being Alone', 'Fear of Commitment' and 'Fear of Rejection'_, my oldest dragons_. _They had lined up to face me down and my courage faltered. So many memories, so much hurt so much pain. I felt a claw grip my arm strengthening my resolve and together we waded forth to do battle. It hurt more than I could have imagined, hurt me down to the deepest parts of my soul. Images of my mother, the blank faced father I'd never known but always imagined, Emily and Jenna.

Fuck me, Jenna. Even that cold faced bitch was invading my thoughts. Rejecting me and chasing me from her house when I went to win back Emily, glaring at me as I stood dripping from the pool on that cold February afternoon. Judging me, rejecting me, hating me.

"**FUCK YOU!!!"**

I woke myself up; found myself still curled on the bed, Emily's top gripped tightly in my hands shouting into the darkness. I was angry, angry at myself for what I had put myself through, what I had put Emily through. For all the times I'd ran, or pushed her away or hurt her. For all the deliberate times and all the times that I knew I'd hurt her without meaning to, without wanting to. How big a coward was I, had I been?

I was brought back to reality by the beeping of my phone. It sat on my bedside cabinet vibrating softly. Who the fuck would be texting me, especially after today's events. I couldn't think of anyone that I would want to speak to, would want to speak to me. Rolling across the bed, feeling my muscles protest as they stretched I grabbed it to read the message, it was from Effy; fuck I'd not heard from her in days, not since I went to visit her and her fucking toilet ticket holding Azerbaijani dog lord! In that one brief moment as I saw her name I realised I missed her. We'd never been great friends but there was a kind of connection you know? We're two peas in a pod really. We're both fucked up.

I read the message,

'_Freddies shed. Birthday party.'_

Fucking hell, that's all I needed, more opportunities for public fucking humiliation, I threw the phone across the room, I couldn't face them all.

I couldn't, could I?

I thought back over the last few hours, the time I'd spent battling my internal dragons, facing up to them and coming through to the other side. I was battered and scarred but victorious, with my love for Emily glowing like a beacon in my heart. I knew she'd probably be there, knew that this would be my last chance to explain things, to try to win her back, to try for redemption, to get her to forgive me.

I pulled on some clothes, spent too much time fixing my hair and my tear ruined make-up to just the way I knew she liked, grasped the claw of my newest dragon and headed to the shed.

There was one more dragon to defeat and I would need her there to do it.

_**A/N –**__ Sorry, teasing a little here, holding back the pace after all we don't want to rush into this do we (-: _

_The next chapter has my take on that speech in it – honest. Perhaps I'll put it up later if my girl let's me get away from ferret shed building to do some corrections._


	3. Chapter 3

**Dragons**

**Disclaimer –** I own nothing but a large amount of debt and a severe lack of talent

**Premise – **Season 4 Episode 8 from Naomi's POV, Naomily with guest appearances.

**Rating –** M

**Warnings –** Hey it's set in the Skins universe so adult themes and bad language from the start. If you're offended by these then don't read.

**Authors Note – **OK so here it is, my take on "that speech." Lily Loveless' finest hour in my opinion. I don't think I'll ever get tired of watching it...great writing I wish I had a tenth of that talent. It's only a short(er) one this, because that's all it needs to be. Oh yeah, lots more metaphysical imagery...sorry. PoTtErMaNiAn87 this update soon enough for you?

**Chapter 3 – Revelations**

The rain was falling softly but steadily as I approach Freddie's house, I'd had to text Effy for the address and the location of the famous fucking shed.

"_Home of the Three Musketeers"_ Cook had once called it.

Sounded like the kind of sordid misogynist shithole that a girl should stay out of to me.

Fuck it, I had to do this sometime and this birthday party was as good a time as any. I walked down the side of the building following the sound of music and voices. I'd never been here, never wanted to be here if the truth be told, definitely not my scene.

As I approached the gateway to the back garden I heard voices and paused, I was frozen to the spot. I heard Thomas talking to someone and strained to hear what he was saying. Then I heard her voice, it was only soft but I couldn't mistake it. My stomach turned over and my mouth went dry. Perhaps this was my moment, before I had to enter the shed, before I had to face her with everyone looking.

I risked a glance through the gap in the fence, where a gate would normally be closed, locking off the gardens inner sanctum. Red flowing hair stood out as light twinkled off the raindrops that rested on it. I felt my stomach contract slightly as I watched her walk towards the shed at the bottom of the garden, flanked by Thomas and Katie. I frowned, I'd missed my chance.

'_You fucking coward'_ I told myself and holding hands with my dragon I entered the garden. Being careful to stay out of sight I followed them down the rain soaked path.

I watched them enter the ramshackle building, thankful that I hadn't been seen. Feeling the rain running down my neck I reached the door of the shed. Except it wasn't a simple shed door anymore, it was the entrance to the deepest part of Castle Campbell. The dark pit where my oldest, most controlling dragon lived, the dragon that had ruled my life to date, had total control over the others and the one I would have to defeat in order to have any chance of success. To have any chance of resurrecting what I had destroyed.

I heard voices from inside the small building, heard Katie clearly over the sound of the music.

"What kind of a fucking lamo rave is this?"

A half smile crossed my lips, for all her bullshit and bitchiness I found that I liked Katie, well just a little.

Fucked if I would ever tell her that though.

I admired her outspoken courage, her ability to be honest, to tell people just how things were, at her ability to just be Katie, no frills, no games just be. Surprisingly her outburst gave me courage and I drew in a breath and went to open the door. My hand rested over the handle, I couldn't do it, my dragon was too strong.

"We're playing ace of truth…"

I heard JJ's voice from the other side of the door, followed briefly by Cooks; shit they must all be there, everyone, all of the gang. Could I have picked a worse moment to issue my challenge to my dragon? I took a deep breath, gripped the handle and opened the door to my dragon's home and ventured in. It was now or never, win or lose, it was time to wage war.

"So who's going first" I heard JJ ask the three that had entered before me. Quickly, before I lost my new found courage, I pushed through the door, closed it behind me and surveyed the scene. This was my moment. Cue Naomi Campbell, the spotlight is on you; stage is yours.

"_**I will."**_

Time slowed down, I mean I'd heard about the effect, but I don't think I'd ever experienced it in the same way before. As the words issued from my mouth I surveyed the room, everyone was here apart from Freddie, for a fraction of a second I thought this was strange, then my eyes were ripped towards Emily, she'd turned towards me, the challenge unspoken on her lips_…"Go on then, open your mouth I fucking dare you."_

It was almost too much, I longed to escape, to run from that look. I heard a light roar next to my ear, my ally wasn't pleased. Slowly I took a steadying breath and faced my dragon, my final dragon, my fear of being seen.

You see my biggest fear in the world is that people would see me, I mean **me**. Not Naomi "ice-queen" Campbell, the bitchy hard faced cow that has an answer for everything and a nice word for no-one. Not the inhabitant of Castle Campbell torn apart by her dragons and left as a shell, living on sarcasm and cynicism. But me, Naomi Campbell, the scared vulnerable girl terrified of everything around her. Terrified of being recognised for what she really is.

Human.

My dragon looked me in the eyes and roared its defiance, reminding me of my fear. I felt the warm breath of my protector beside me and turned to look at her. Her scales were bright and gleaming, no sign of the cuts and burns; only a light scar remaining over her heart. My fear of failure was reborn, refreshed, renewed. She was stronger than she had ever been and my fear of failing Emily, fear of failing our relationship was stronger than I had ever known it. I had to press on. As I stared at my dragon our eyes met, her eyes were warm and bright and deep, deep brown. I found my courage in those eyes and I turned my head to stare at the girl I loved, had always loved. I met the matching pair of beautiful brown eyes and plunged once more into battle.

"_**I loved you from the first time I saw you,"**_

It was true, I could remember every single moment of that day. As I said it my IMAX memory went into flashback. I remembered how on my first day in secondary school I had seen her walk into assembly. There must have been dozens of children coming into that hall and I had eyes for only one. I don't know why I saw her and it was a long time before I realised what I felt for her was love, but from that first glance I was smitten. She entered the hall one step behind her brash twin, downtrodden, shy and yet so, so beautiful, so poised. For one fraction of a second our eyes met, blue met brown, and then she looked away, looked submissively down at her feet, her brown eyes hidden under those beautiful eyelashes. For the rest of my life I will remember that look, how unconsciously sexy it was, how beautiful her shyness made her.

For all our time at middle school she was always one step behind Katie and yet, in my eyes at least, she deserved to be placed on a pedestal and worshipped as the goddess of beauty she was.

"_**I think I was 12."**_

I continued nervously, aware that every eye in the room was on me. It was a lie; I knew to the minute how old I was when first I saw her. I could probably tell you to the second how long it has been since that moment. But it didn't matter, she would know what I meant.

I could feel the tension rise in the room, even Effy had woken from her doze on the sofa and was watching, her eyes as usual unreadable. Panda sat next to her, for once her voice stilled. Everyone seemed to realise that this was important, this was vital, and for once in all the time I had known them no-one spoke. I steeled my heart and continued my eyes locked on Emily's.

"_**It took me three years to pluck up the courage to speak to you and I was so scared of the way I felt, you know? Loving a girl."**_

My dragon roared in dismay, and there I was laid open to the world, to everyone in the room, all my friends were able to see me for what I really am, a coward who couldn't even pluck up the courage to speak to a schoolmate. Someone that was so fucked up in their feelings they couldn't speak, juvenile, immature and scared.

But it wasn't enough, I had to go further, I had to unburden myself totally. It was the only way to win her back.

"_**That I learned to become a sarcastic bitch to make it feel normal."**_

More screams and cries, my dragon couldn't believe what I was telling her, telling everyone. The Naomi they know isn't real; she's made up, a puppet. Nothing more than a hologram projected into the world to hide the fact that I loved Emily. I loved her and I always had.

"_**I screwed guys to make it go away, but it didn't work."**_

I could feel the shock, finally admitting it, yes Katie you were fucking right, always a _'fucking lezzer'_, always in denial, but not anymore. But it still wasn't enough, there was more to reveal, more scars to bare to the world. More explanations that Emily had to hear, had to understand, whatever the outcome.

"_**When we got together it scared the shit out of me, because you were the one person that could ruin my life."**_

My voice broke at the end of this simple sentence as the waves of fear and relief washed over me at my admission, it was almost cathartic, but the tears were coming, tears of grief, and shame and misery. I had to tell her it wasn't her fault, because it wasn't. It was mine, it had always been mine.

"_**I pushed you away and made you think that things were your fault but really I was just terrified of pain." **_

That admission was hard, that me the infamous Naomi _fucking_ Campbell was scared of pain. The worlds came thick and fast now; I practically spat them from my mouth desperate to have them heard, desperate to defeat my last dragon.

"_**I screwed that girl Sophia, to kind of spite you for having that hold on me, and I'm a total fucking coward because...I got these…"**_

I reached into my bag hunting for the pieces of paper I knew to be there, the documents I'd held onto for months, carried everywhere with me in a desperate hope that things would change.

"_**...these tickets to Goa for us three months ago, but I, I couldn't stand…"**_

I held them out, my eyes streaming with tears. Hoping and praying that they would demonstrate that I wasn't lying, that she could trust everything I was saying. I was almost exhausted, it was almost too much for me and I broke down, I couldn't speak it was too much. I longed to turn and run, away from the shed, away from her eyes, her beautiful brown eyes that filled my dreams and seemed always to be looking directly into my soul. I thought about the battle, thought about my ally standing beside me and somewhere within me I found the strength to carry on the fight. I looked up and continued. This battle just had to be won.

"_**I didn't want to be a slave to the way I feel about you. Can you understand?"**_

I prayed that she could, but I couldn't be sure, she was just looking at me, unfathomable. My heart broke just a little bit more. I pushed on; there was one last thing to say.

"_**You were trying to punish me back and it's horrible. It's so horrible, because, really I'd die for you. **_

_**I love you! **_

_**I love you so much it's killing me!"**_

There, it was the final truth, despite everything I had ever done, every hurt I had inflicted on Emily the truth shone through my tears.

I would give my life a thousand times for her, and think myself lucky for the privilege, the privilege of sacrificing myself at the altar of Emily, the one true love of my life. I put all this feeling into the one thing I knew I could rely on her seeing, my eyes. I screamed the same message over and over again, hoping she could see it in them.

I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. **I love you. I LOVE YOU!!!**

...and only you. Always.

Until the moment last breath is taken from my body, and if there is an afterlife into that as well, my heart will have room for only one person Emily Fitch, and it's you. It has always been so, will always be so. I can't control it.

You, to me, are a goddess and I will love you forever, and beyond.

In that one moment of confession I truly understood it, accepted it and wielded my love for Emily as a weapon to defeat my final dragon.

With this last outpouring of emotion I wanted her to know how much our relationship meant to me, I was fighting my battles every day and it was tearing me apart. I hoped she could understand, hoped and prayed she could see through the dragons, past the hurt and see me. At the last, only me.

***

I was done. I had nothing left to say and no energy left with which to say it. I had fought my dragon to a standstill and I was now waiting to see if it fought back, or could be defeated. It was all down to Emily, it was out of my hands, and I was still terrified.

I stand in that shed, hearing the rain hammer down on the plastic roof. I know that the eyes of everyone there are flicking from me, to her, like spectators at a tennis match, waiting for the point. I can only stare at her, my heart and soul open to the world, to Emily. For once I'm just me, the scared child Naomi that's been buried deep and protected by high castle walls, six dragons and a welcome sign. I notice she is crying, _shit_ I didn't mean for her to cry, didn't want her to cry, I didn't want to hurt her again. I just wanted her to understand.

I see her look across at her sister and briefly acknowledge that for once Katie is actually struck dumb, just looking at Emily open mouthed without a bitchy retort on her tongue. I'm dreading what's about to happen; I know she's going to walk away, reject me, cut me to the core.

I know it's going to hurt; it's going to hurt forever but I'm OK with that, the fear is finally gone. I had grasped a tight hold of my courage and finally did what I promised I'd do on that yellow note stuck on a blue door.

"_I'll Do Anything"_

I'd done more than that. I'd done _everything_, everything I could.

I had emptied my soul, laid myself bare to her judgement, vulnerable to her decision. I prayed that it would be enough, at least enough for a start, a chance to talk things through. An opportunity to rebuild the relationship I'd done my best to fuck up. In my heart though I knew it was futile, too much water under the bridge, too much hurt to forgive.

But I had to try, didn't I.

I saw her move and I readied myself to walk away. To leave Freddie's shed and the accusing eyes of my friends, to walk away from her rejection. I would walk out of the building with the tatters of my dignity trailing behind me, happy in the knowledge that I'd tried, that I'd battled my dragons and come so close to success.

Resolute in my failure.

For once walking, not running.

Then in a heartbeat she's on me, her hands in my hair, her lips on my lips and she's smiling as she kisses me once, twice and I'm undone. Moving only on instinct I respond to her kisses, smiling in relief. Suddenly she releases me, pulls me into a hug and she's everything. My senses are overloaded, I can taste her, hear her cries, I can see her and touch her, but most of all I can smell her; I can smell that indescribable smell that is my Emily and it's almost enough to make me lose consciousness. I feel myself slump slightly against her and she hugs me harder. I hear her talking to me as she hugs me and I have to fight through my tears, my total sensory overload to hear what she's saying.

"It's OK," she whispers into my ear as her hand runs through my hair, "it's all OK. I love you too."

And my dragon falls.

_**A/N –**__ OK now I'm really off into the realms of fantasy. One more chapter, one last part of this story left to complete. What happens next? Well OK we know what happens next, we all saw the scenes. But the final chapter is my take on what we missed along the way._


	4. Chapter 4

**Dragons**

**Disclaimer –** I still own nothing but a large amount of debt and a severe lack of talent

**Premise – **Season 4 Episode 8 from Naomi's POV, Naomily with guest appearances.

**Rating –** M

**Warnings –** Hey it's set in the Skins universe so adult themes and bad language from the start. If you're offended by these then don't read.

**Authors Note – **Wow, this has been a journey, but like all journeys here we are at the end of the line, I think. All I can say is to those that stuck with this – thank you, and to those that sent messages of support I appreciate them all. I didn't start writing this for reviews, kind or otherwise, but it's nice to know that in some way this self-analysis wrapped up in a Skins storyline has made some people smile –get ready for the soppy bit and if I've got this right tissues at the ready (-;

**Chapter 4 - Aftermath**

I'm sat on a filthy sofa in a grotty shed, and I'm buzzing, I can't explain the high I'm having at the moment, I could try but you wouldn't get it, not in a million lifetimes.

Katie has decided that it's long past time to _"get this party started losers,"_ the music is thumping and the vodka is flowing. I'm sat on the dirty sofa. I've downed a few shots that have been passed to me, Emily and Katie insisting that I join in the celebrations of Freddie's Birthday.

"Freddie's not even here!"

I've been saying this over and over, but they force the hard liquor on me anyway, insisting I drink to celebrate. I've drunk a couple of shots to keep the peace and I've slyly ditched the rest. I don't really feel drinking myself unconscious.

I'm too fucking happy.

To be honest, the thought of drinking myself to oblivion isn't a good one, it takes me back to the dark days of the last few months when it was my only escape from my dragons.

Something catches my eye and I'm rescued from my dark thoughts. Cook has slumped to the floor in front of me and he's offering me a spliff. I take it out of habit and then just look at it, unhappy memories flooding back once again. He's just sat there, in front of me and he's smiling. Carefully I hand the joint back to him, untouched. He holds it in front of me before spinning it in his fingers, cupping the lit end proffering it to me.

"It's OK you know?"

I just stare at him, not knowing what he means. He looks at me seriously and leans in, his voice low enough that only I can hear it over the sound of the party.

"It's OK when it's not a crutch to lean on blondie, when you're not hiding. It's OK when you're doing it for fun."

Fucking hell! I'm absolutely astonished. When did he get so fucking perceptive? This is Cook after all.

I decided that for once he was right, smiled, leant forward and took a drag inhaling deeply.

"Thanks mate," I said as I exhaled and I meant it and not only for the joint. Despite all his problems, his misogynist attitude and his joking around Cook was a mate, actually a pretty good fucking mate really. We'd been there for each other at our lowest moments and that had to mean something, it meant something to me anyway.

I doubted Emily would approve but she'd understand; she's like that.

As if reading my thoughts Cook looked across at Emily dancing with Katie with a broad smile on her face. My eyes followed his and as I looked across at her longingly I was rewarded with a blown kiss as she saw me. I smiled again.

I've smiled more in the last hour than I have in months.

Cook looked at my smile with an amused look on his face. I looked back at him and frowned, my eyebrow raised. He didn't seem intimidated; he just grinned his stupid grin and dragged himself to his knees.

"So, I guess I'm not going to get that non-lezzer willy-waggle then Naomikins?"

He was looking back at me, that cheeky boyish grin still plastered all over his face. I wouldn't ever admit this to Emily but I loved Cook with that look. I could see how he managed to constantly get the girls. Even for a cynical bastard like me, who was totally in love with someone else, that grin was almost, just almost irresistible. Fuck knows what it did for a straight girl, especially one that was under the influence of drink or drugs.

"I fucking hope not," came the husky voiced reply as Emily flopped onto the sofa next to me. She leant over and kissed me on the cheek.

"That makes two of us sweetheart," I replied kissing her back, "I've made it my life's ambition never to hear him shout _'grab my balls'_ again, under ANY context!"

Emily laughed and leaned into me. Feeling confident I put my arm around her shoulder and pulled her into me. To my surprise Cook leaned forward and hugged the two of us. A gentle hug; one that was full of meaning.

"Fucking good to see you two back together" he whispered into my ear as he drew me closer, "Broke my fucking heart to see you fucked up Naomikins, don't fuck it up again."

That was Cook, always full of surprises.

"I won't," I whispered back, "make sure you don't do the same. Get it sorted Cookie."

I kissed him lightly on the cheek; he knew exactly what I meant. As he released the two of us from his hug he caught my eye and for one second I saw the real Cook, another person fighting his own internal dragons and I longed to be able to help him.

Then in a flash the cheeky grin was back on his face as he stood up. The moment was gone; I needed an alternative way to save him from himself, rescue him from those dragons. I'd think of something, but later, there was something he needed more just now. Catching his eye carefully I grinned back,

"You're a lot nicer than most people think aren't you Cook?"

He smiled at the memory,

"Fuck you"

"Fuck you right back!"

We grinned stupidly at each other for a second. I thought that Emily was probably totally lost here; confused by our companionship. But then I remembered that I'd talked to her about that time in the classroom after the election, explained what had happened between us and what it had, or rather hadn't meant. I hoped she would understand what was happening between me and Cook at this moment, that she'd know that it was important to both of us.

I felt her squeeze my arm gently, she remembered...that's my Emily.

"Well if I'm not going to get my threesome and my lesbian fantasy's fulfilled with you girls tonight I guess I'd better start looking for someone else to shag. This is a party isn't it?"

Cook made a great play of looking around the room, hand resting on his forehead like a lookout. His face suddenly broke out into a broad evil grin. I sighed quietly; this wasn't going to be good, I've seen that look before. I glanced down at Emily snuggled into my shoulder. She was watching Cook with fascination in her eyes, presumably wondering what he was going to do next.

"Katiekins," he yelled across the shed, "you're the only single straight girl in here I've not shagged…..come to the cookie-monster!"

With that he was off sidling towards her, hunting her down like a two legged predator. Katie was looking at him with contempt in her eyes, gripping the empty vodka bottle in her hand like a baseball bat.

"What _is_ he like?"

I looked down at the redhead leaning into my shoulder, she was laughing at Cook as he chased Katie around the shed making overly dramatic grabbing motions at her arse. To be honest I didn't think he was all that serious about it, but then you can't always tell with James Cook.

I looked at Emily, revelled in the sight of her nestled into my shoulder, her arm across my waist.

"He's the cookie-monster!" I replied kissing her gently on the head, loving that I could do this, loving that it was finally all OK.

"Do you think I should go help her?" she asked as Cook cornered Katie and pinched her hard resulting in a scream and a torrent of abuse.

"Nope," I replied simply, "I think you should stay right there, preferably for the rest of our lives."

She looked up at me, her eyes full and she tensed slightly; I kind of dreaded her reply but I was ready for it. I was scared of nothing, not anymore, I'd defeated my dragons.

"What's happened to you Naomi, you're not the same person I thought I knew."

Thank fuck for that, not what I expected.

"Worse?" I asked trying to keep the hint of concern out of my voice.

"No, better. You seem at ease. The Naomi I knew would never do what you did; would never do this."

She gestured at our closeness in the middle of our friends, under the gaze of everyone. I realised that as we'd clung to each other she'd slipped her legs around her and was practically sitting on my lap. Her legs were stretched across mine as we sat curled together on the sofa. To my shame I realised she was right, we'd never been this close in public before. Behind closed doors yes, in the darkness of a nightclub, sometimes, but I'd never been able to get this close to her either with our friends around or in a place where everyone could see us. '_Time for things to change'_ I thought. My dragons were defeated; there was no need to hide anymore.

Our eyes met again and she leaned in and kissed me gently, pulling my head down to meet hers. Our lips met and our tongues caressed, my hands ran through her flowing red locks and I kissed her back as if I had never kissed her before. I put everything I was feeling into that kiss, every ounce of my passion. I was trying to wipe away the nightmare of these last few months and start to build some new memories, some good memories, ones that we could hold onto.

Dimly in the background I could hear Cook cheering us on with some lewd comment, before being quickly silenced by Katie. I assumed Emily heard it as well and she tried to pull away, to free me from the spectacle. I simply grasped her tighter, holding her to me, bunching my fist in her hair, prolonging the moment. I wanted to stay like this, forever, lose myself in the moment. Eventually however, naturally, we pulled apart.

"Fucking hell," Emily gasped, "the old Naomi would never have done that either."

I frowned and licked my lips, savouring the taste of her lip gloss, holding on to the memory of that kiss.

"Ems that's not true, we've kissed like that lots of times, I remember, I was there."

"Well sort of," she replied, "though I'm not sure I can think of many that were _that_ good."

"Oi!" I exclaimed, flicking her nose with a finger.

"That's not what I meant Naoms, that was just…well, more you know?"

I kissed her again, just because I could.

"and it was in front of everyone," she spluttered as we broke apart again, "you've never kissed me like that when we're with people, with our friends. I've never pushed you to...I know you hate public displays of affection like that."

I sighed, sinking down next to her and putting my head on her shoulder.

"I've grown up a bit today Ems, become a different person that's all. It was never about the public displays, not really. It was...."

Fuck it; what the hell, she needed to know.

"It was that I was afraid to be seen."

"But we've been together in public, we've kissed in public, people know we're together. You've been seen!"

She looked hurt, I needed to explain. I needed her to understand, to take that hurt away. I smiled, a sad wry smile and she looked at me intently her eyes asking the question she couldn't or wouldn't vocalise. I bit my lip gripping the left side with my teeth pulling my mouth into a curious shape. I'd changed, but my habits were ingrained, I was thinking something difficult through and she knew it, knew me.

"It's hard to explain Ems, I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to explain it all to you properly but I'll try. One day I'll try to make you understand everything. But basically I was always afraid of people seeing me when I was with you. The _real_ me, not the ice-queen; I think I was scared of what they might think or say."

"But I fell in love with that ice-queen," she replied, "because I could see the person inside, the person that wanted to be loved."

"Yeah, well you're special aren't you?" I said kissing her forehead

"I must be to be with you," she smiled back. "Special needs that is!"

I laughed, I bit back a quip about her needs and just allowed myself to laugh. For possibly the first time in my life I laughed a proper, unashamed laugh of joy. Emily looked at me amused, sniggering along with me.

For the first time in my life I was totally comfortable with who I was, where I was, and with whom I was with. All of them, Emily and Katie, Cook and Effy, Pandora and Thomas even JJ and Karen.

They had all seen the worst and the best of me over the last few days and they had accepted me for who I am with no questions, no recriminations and no judgement. There was no need to hide anymore.

Our laughter subsided and we fell into a comfortable silence, happy in each others company. Suddenly Emily dragged herself off the sofa, stood up and held out her hand, "Dance?" she asked, knowing the answer would probably be no.

I smiled, grabbed her outstretched hand and stood up. "Why not!" and I surprised her again. With a wry grin to myself I found that I really like surprising my Emily like that. I must do it more often; she's adorably cute when she's shocked.

***

The night continued as we came together as a group for what would probably be the last time, finally all accepted, finally all real. Emily and I seem to have fallen into our old patterns, not the sniping and hurting, but the loving, the kissing and the holding.

I'm not stupid, I know it is early days and I'll, no, _we'll_ have to work at this relationship. But for the first time in my life I am absolutely sure that this is what I want. I'm totally sure that this girl dancing in front of me in the short pink dress and black T-Shirt is a big part of my plans, and I'm totally sure I want to defer my Goldsmiths place and spend a year travelling the world with her, just being with her, fucking on every beach in India with her.

The music changes from the dance beat to a slow track, I look across the shed and see Katie and Effy looking right at us, smirking together conspiratorially next to the stereo. We're the only couple in the room and they're putting on a slow dance; they're having a fucking laugh.

Seeing my look at the two of them Emily steps away, turning only to glare at her twin. Holding my hand she's pulling me towards the sofa, towards anonymityand safety. Taking a breath I pull Emily back, spin her into my arms and hold her close, gently pressing her head into my shoulder with my hand as I rested my head on hers. Shocked again she hugged me tightly as we entwined our bodies and swayed to the music.

Totally alone in the middle of a room full of people.

Everyone's eyes were upon us but I didn't care. I just enjoyed the moment, enjoyed her embrace.

As we moved together I caught a glance of Katie who was barely holding back her laughter at the result of her little manipulation and made a bold decision. Slowly and sensuously I slid my hand up and down Emily's back, stroking her spine in a way I know she loves; opening and closing my fingers, allowing them to brush her body through the soft cloth of her dress. True to form Emily snuggled deeper into our embrace, sighing softly as my hand moved up and down her back.

Damn I'm good!

But I wasn't finished yet. As Katie looked at me, her eyes bulging slightly at our display, I raised my head slightly, kissed Emily gently on the forehead and looked across at her. I stepped slightly to the right moving our bodies so I could stare straight at Katie's face over the top of her sister's head.

Our eyes met, then slowly and deliberately, so there was absolutely no mistaking what I was doing, I raised a single finger on my stroking hand at her.

Yes, I'd changed, but not that much, the bitch was still in there just caged a little. But it wouldn't be the same if I didn't let her out now and again now would it? Katie just laughed the tension between us broken. Emily didn't have a clue; it was going to be OK.

I know that the future lies before me, before us, and that future is uncertain and unsure. We'll probably fuck up again; I know I probably will; it's inevitable, I'm human I've come to accept that. But as long as I can battle my dragons and actually talk to Emily about these things then I think we've got a chance. A fucking good chance, I'll make sure of it!

I look down at the girl in my arms and hope she can feel how hard my heart is pounding in my chest as we sway together, lost in each other. All too soon the song ends and Effy finally puts something more lively on, but Emily and I just stand there arms wrapped around each other, holding each other tightly as the others pound and jump around us to the beat.

Emily looks up at me and her eyes are radiant, God how I've missed her looking at me like that, how I've missed her looking at me at all without hurt in her eyes. As I look into those gorgeous brown orbs I see them dim and tears appear in the corners.

"Nai," she starts tentatively, "I'm sorry."

I frown at her, suddenly confused and without warning the fear was back. I took a deep breath and quashed it.

"I understand,"

I replied casually, slowly easing my arms from around her, chancing one last caress of her waist as I did so.

"I really do,"

I kissed her on the cheek.

"It's OK Emily, I'll manage."

She grabbed my hands quickly suddenly understanding.

"Naoms, no! I'm sorry about being a bitch, I'm sorry about Mandy, I'm sorry that I wanted to get back at you, to punish you rather than talk to you. I'm sorry for being a fucking cow to you recently. You didn't deserve that and I'm sorry. I'm not sorry about this, about us. I could never be sorry about that."

I squeezed her hands back, the relief flooding through my body,

"Thank God for that." I sighed.

We stood there just holding hands for a moment, stood in the eye of the hurricane that was our friends partying. I pulled her in for a hug.

"I think I lied to you again," I admitted at last as we embraced, "I really don't think I could manage you know?"

"That's OK," she replied. "I forgive you, I lied when I said it to you. You remember? At college, after that first night together."

I smiled and kissed her,

"I know."

She had remembered, how awesome is this girl in my arms? How much do I love her? Let me count the ways...

"Can we go somewhere?" Emily asked as I looked at her, up to a hundred and still counting.

"Where do you want to go?" I replied, playing the game.

"Anywhere."

"Anywhere?" I asked, "Fine, name the place; I'll follow you to the ends of the earth and back if you ask me to." I meant it as well. She smiled at me.

"Well I wasn't thinking of going that far tonight." She replied, "I was thinking of grabbing a bite to eat and then heading back to ours."

'Ours', how one word can say so much I'll never know. Emily could probably explain it, she's the artistic one, the romantic one, but for now I'm going to leave it. I have a much better response.

"Pizza?"

"You know it!"

***

We slipped away from the party as everyone was still jumping around and knocking back shots. I had a happy buzz from the alcohol I had drunk, from the drag on the joint that I'd taken but most of all from the girl on my arm. Everyone knew we'd left, they just didn't say anything; accepting our need to leave quietly, together, without any fuss. After all, though we probably would never be together like this again I doubted any of us would ever really be apart. We'd all been through too much together to lose each other.

If I was being honest they probably thought we were off to fuck our brains out, but truthfully that wasn't a part of my plan. I had the love of my life back and all I wanted to do was to head to our local pizzeria, and see her eat as much of her favourite Quattro Formaggi pizza as made her happy, head back to our little home and then curl up with her in my arms and listen to her breathe as she slept. There would be a time for passion, a time for making love, but it wasn't now.

Tonight was a time for holding and re-connecting, re-establishing what we had nearly lost. Just me and her, Emily and Naomi. As it should be, and if I had my way how it would always be.

***

We lay in our bed, our stomachs full and our heart's content. As usual I lay still and just listened to Emily sleep. Her arms were wrapped around my waist, mine about her shoulders; our legs entwined.

We had never been this close before, not physically, emotionally. As we'd eaten we'd had time to talk. Nothing deep, those conversations were for a later day, but she'd asked me about why I'd done what I did today and I'd tried my best to explain it all. I'm not sure if she understood it, but she accepted my explanations. I'd asked her about Mandy and she'd told me of her hurt and her confusion and I'd accepted that, well I'd accepted it after she sent the text asking her to stay out of our lives forever.

We'd returned to the house and sat on the sofa, listening to music and talking when I suddenly remembered something. Easing myself reluctantly out of her grasp I walked into the kitchen and retrieved something important. I sat back down next to her and was enveloped in a kiss once again.

"I missed you," she said simply at my surprised look.

"I missed you as well." I looked at her with a smirk on my face. "Even if I was only gone for 40 seconds."

She slapped me playfully and I grabbed at her hand and held it firmly. "I have something for you," I said carefully, "It's yours and don't you ever lose it again."

I let go of her hand and she opened her fist and looked at the front door key that I had pressed into her palm. It was now crudely engraved with a heart, a badly carved heart with _NC_ cut into the centre.

"I won't," she said looking at it with tears in her eyes as she ran her finger around the heart's edge, "never again."

My happiness was complete.

***

As she slept I listened to her breath, listened to those little snores and the cute little mutterings and everything was all right in my world again. As my mind slowed down I thought about the day, about everything that had happened and the battles I'd had to fight and win.

With a jolt I realised that for possibly the first time in my life, certainly the first time since that fateful day when I was five, that I was finally, truly happy.

With that thought running through my head, a smile on my lips. With my Emily curled in my arms. With her perfect smell enveloping me. Finally, at long, long last I could allow myself to sleep.

***

I know that my dragons aren't dead. I know they'll always be with me, that they're a part of who I am. But they're locked away now and I've got a new dragon prowling within me, guarding me from them, watching over me whilst I sleep. A large red dragon with deep brown eyes; born of my fear of cowardice. She's my soul's protector and she isn't called fear.

She's called love and trust and hope and happiness. Courage and safety, affection and acceptance, valour and contentment and ecstasy and joy.

My dragon is called Emily.

**.**

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_**A/N –**__ So there you go, it's over and we have a happy ending. I've also changed my mind sorry guys. The epilogue I was working on has ended up with a life of its own, so rather than ruin this story with a massive chapter I've decided to make it into the follow up. To be absolutely honest I like this ending best. Thank you all for reading, see you in my next work "The Avalanche Has Already Started."_


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